FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK -- Like many of you, we were shocked and discouraged by the recent "leaks" released to the media about Adventure Capitalists and the allegations they charge. After an extensive forensic analysis of our IT infrastructure and in consultation with our counsel and the US intelligence community, a19s would like to set the record straight about these leaks. This communication will serve as the only official comment on the matter.
First, the firm can neither confirm nor deny that we are releasing another record this spring. Investment decisions of this kind are information proprietary to the firm and critical to our ongoing success. Speculation about when the record will drop, the amount of premium shreddage it does or does not contain and/or potential chart topping track listings and sequences. Persons found to be spreading word about another Adventure Capitalists' record are unauthorized agents with no ties to the firm - any claims to the contrary are patently false.
Further, we will not comment on potential guest stars and recording artists joining in such an endeavour. In particular, we will not comment on any images representing a19s "doing Miami up right" with Beyoncé and Jay-Z. We won't speak publicly about the time the firm spends on private yachts with Lin Manuel Miranda and Jersey legend Bruce Springsteen, as those relationships are deep and personal. Speculation about the close, personal nature of the relationships the firm has with luminaries like Stephen Hawking and Her Majesty the Queen is wholly inappropriate.
We will also not engage any news outlets on the contents of a possible new record, including the number of tasty punk tracks skewering the startup game, the appearance of a mysterious new bassist, the blistering new leads from Kilian McMahon and especially not the groundbreaking drumming from James Dennis. Mike Portnoy's comments, while kind, do not reflect the views the of the firm, and we encourage him to continue making any music he feels moves him, as sadly inadequate he may now feel about such attempts.
Our continuing mission at Adventure Capitalists is to be the number one venture investment band on Planet Earth. With global multi-platinum success and stratospheric returns comes many rivals looking to undermine our important work. We will continue to cooperate fully with law enforcement and national security agencies to identify certain state actors responsible for these leaks and bring to bear the full might of the startup technology community to sanction those proven to undermine our economy and democracy.